About me

I put this site up to help those who are dealing with thoughts of suicide because of what I went through for 30 years of my life or more – on and off and what I realized should help others. This isn’t some deep philosophy or theory based on what I read but real life experience.

I have gone through what you are dealing with and many, many others have too. One thing that should help is to understand that you will get through this. There is information here that can help you and information to lead you to other resources in the videos and I have watched of amazing signs, wonders and miracles. A friend said he cried watching them and I have cried 100 times about what God does. Note: I doubted Jesus for 15  years after He answered my prayer to stop drinking.

This is not a story about accepting Jesus or you’re going to hell, just a story of realizing at age 70 God loves me and you. God’s Love is unconditional, you don’t have to love Him first but when you realize God is real and you connect with His Love you will (The Love of Christ Surpasses knowledge Eph. 3:19 is real). You can experience what I did and see how my life was changed. I believe you will want to accept Jesus if you haven’t yet.

In 2015 I came across this: The saviors of the world do not come to foster inimical doctrinal divisions; their teachings should not be used toward that end. It is something of a misnomer even to refer to the New Testament as the “Christian” Bible, for it does not belong exclusively to any one sect. Truth is meant for the blessing and upliftment of the entire human race.


At age 18 I was sentenced to 30 days in jail and got out on a technicality, months later got another ticket and lost my license, another time got sued for injuring someone in a fight because I was drunk. I started drinking in high school and kept going, married, had to call my wife to drive 150 miles to bail me out. The report said I was belligerent and I remained that way until 1999.

I worked my way through college, became a top salesman at a company for 8 years on my 3rd job, small business 22 years, was modestly successful, had a beautiful wife – together 49 years, several collector cars, nice home with a pool and sauna and exercise room, most of 2 months off a year. I should have been proud but even when I was successful I would lay in bed thinking about harming my self and making plans for suicide. Not to mislead you, I was able to function but as mentioned on the home page I knew something wasn’t right and I did take a prescription for “anxiety” (depression). Actually I was only functioning at 70% or less – maybe closer to 50-60%.

Now that’s all gone except Jesus and my wife who I know is one of the angels- He will command His Angels concerning you Psm. 91:11

What I went through: at my most successful time I would lay in bed thinking about cutting my head off with a machete and it was often. I know where the thoughts of hate, hate and worthlessness came from now so if you have hate understand I overcame it through God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit and you will to. Maybe it will be a little bit at a time – a few hours of peace then a day.

Another period of time I made plans to slip on oil working on my car with it running. It wasn’t just a one time thought but planned for a few months. After my wife died in 2011 I had more problems and planned to cut my throat in the morning if I had one more issue. Over several months I had been held down 20 plus times, jumped out of bed to rebuke the devil, felt fear come to me 100 or more times dreaming, I have felt being pushed through the bed. I had been attacked while sleeping and it was the most ominous emotion there is and made receptive to negativity every day and it probably lasted 18 months. I felt drunk and paranoid at the same time. Bob Jones a man of God said he was made to feel drunk up in a tree 3 years after he quit drinking and fell out and was in the hospital a few weeks.

My comfort in my trials came knowing Padre Pio had trouble his entire life. The point of this is to let you know you are not alone in what you are feeling.

 I was saved before I believed, before I was baptized, before I went to church, before I knew God wasn’t a million miles away, before I knew The Holy Spirit was real, before I read the Bible, before I accepted Jesus .  Psalms 103

Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

What happened in my life is the work of God/the Holy Spirit/Jesus moving me to overcome the devil. I was an alcoholic, rude, sarcastic, angry, judgmental, hated myself and many others. I made plans for suicide 3 times including one for the next day. It took God 70 years to change me. I won’t go into many details about the devil because I don’t want to dwell on that part but it was pretty bad for a very long time.

Jesus changed my life. The most amazing thing that happened started in 2015 and started increasing was physical love from God come over me. This love was unlike any love I had ever felt. It started in 2002 as told elsewhere here but as I was overcome with stress and thoughts of losing Karen I lost touch with receiving His love and I did not realize it was The Holy Spirit.


Ron 805-895-5710 I won’t be here forever but if you are having thoughts of suicide go through the site and start asking Jesus for help. I’m sorry if you disagree with anything written but I won’t have time to debate anything here but contact me if you sincerely need help.

This is mentioned 2-3 times on this site but as a Christian we all believe God knows everything we do and as God is my witness nothing on this site is made up.

Find a good church that doesn’t judge anyone, be around people, sing – praise as best you can. I am one of the loudest singers at church although I can’t sing.